Still Thinking

This year has been a pretty eventful yr so far. Well there have been unexpectedly good and bad events. And no I don’t know whether there has been more good stuff than bad. It’s jus that right now…life is pretty calm and quiet and weird. Like all the stressful things have had enough of me and found someone to bother. And that’s fine, except now I have a lot of meaningless and useless crap going in and out of my head. And I was jus so used to fighting and over coming obstacles that it feels weird that I no longer have to fight. Or I'm not looking hard enough, which is true. I'm not chanting as much as I should or as much as I used to.
Not like I don’t have anything to do. Maybe I should make a list of all the things that I still need to improve and keep all these things as my target for chanting. Well here it goes then. I am:
1. Lazy
2. Overweight (I don’t like using the word fat)
3. Obsessive
4. Aimless
5. Over Sensitive (this one really hurts)
6. Indecisive
7. Talkative…Jump the gun

I think that’s it for now. Unlike most of the time, somehow this list does not make me like shit about myself. Now why is that? Why am I abnormally normal?
Anu aunty asked me if I can feel any undercurrents but I'm jus not sure, I don’t think there are any undercurrents. This has got to mean sumthing…oh look I'm obsessing again.

Everything is not right. I want to restart this day. I was all figured out last night n now im all messed up again. Restart i say, restart. I thought i was geting all the answers. You have no right to throw questions atme all over again. Restart. Having all the answers is the bigest illusion ever.

Where do we begin

where do we end

coming full circle is not the end

a full circle never really ends...

RESTART, i say... 

 

I'm gonna write bout N today.Well not really bout him but how he made me realize something so important. N makes me laugh, without judging i hope, or even if he does, i don't. I know its difficult to find someone who does not judge you but i think its even more difficult to find someone you don't judge. N is a complete weirdo and an absolute whack job to be honest but he makes me laugh, just like that. I go to him with an excuse of work but i know i only go to laugh. He makes me realize that there are very very few people with a good sense of humor and that you can actually laugh at anything if you make up ur mind. There are no non-veg jokes or comments, no double meaning remarks, we are not there yet. and i hope we never get there, there's just so much sex around already, the hoardings, tv, news, movies...i really want sex to leave humor alone for a while. I am a very boring serious person who thinks a lot-thats how my sis describes me and that used to anger me to the limit probably becuz its true. N made me realize how important it for me to be with a guy who has a good(sorry great) sense of humor. Not ironic, dark or cynical or hysterical but the silly kind. I and N have invented superstitions of our own, we have these lucky and unlucky MSN display pictures and a lot of unrelated signs and its all so so silly and its alright to be silly once in a while. Crack the biggest PJs and laugh out loud for no reason. N is also becoming my partner in crime slowly and is a complete brat. But the thought of having a life partner whose sense of humor is like N's poses so many questions. Is it N or do all guys have a"good" sense of humor before they get into a relationship. Where after two ppl are serious every comment made reflects your character, depth, seriousness towards the relationship and well, ahem, commitment. Is a relationship the end of all the rolling on the floor, falling of the chair laughter? N also looks really funny, his rolling his eyes is enuf to make me crack up. Its important to laugh, to acknowledge the inherent sillyness in life, the typical patterns that the Marathi Writer P.L Deshpande talks bout. He doesn’t invent that he just states it as it is. Someone once told me that life is one cosmic joke, and if u just take a minute to consider that u’ll get the joke.

Below this sentence lies an icon of PODCAST...so pls click n turn up ur speakers....not too up...i think switching them on is jus fine...

NO electricity so i had to record again...i prefer recording my voice...cuz...well....i hate typing me a designer/programmer soafter typing for 14 hrs im done...

Well, as the title suggest im really really tired...so i recorded my thoughts...pls listen to it...  :)

I made a tree today and I hope sumone who understands what I mean reads this. So how does one make a tree. Well only someone who is well versed with flash and AS can understand how one can make a tree. Yep, the geek is in.

           But why do I have to write bout this(so u made a tree, wts the point). Well in my life or professional life its an event. I hate components in flash and avoid them like plague, because they r so complicated (no because they are so convenient n it frustrates me to the limit that I can never get it write, id rather avoid than realize I'm incapable of it).

          6 months back I knew nothing of it. All I knew of actionscript was how to move from one frame to another (gotoAndPlay). My boss (who rocks by the way) gave me that chance to learn push myself, lose myself in figuring out how to get sumthing done.

          My TL was sitting next to me, sonal was sitting on the desk behind mine, two ACs around my desk 18deg. And there it was my pretty pretty tree. All green and styled and skinned with gradient bullets, my customized tree. I love it. Its so beautiful, I want to celebrate.

         

I got a call from one of my closest frenz today.

He: hey wanna earn 20,000 bucks in 2 days?

Me: duh...ofcourse...wt do i have to do?

He: nothing jus give an exam posing as someone else... its a harmless thing...an aptitude test...for Symbiosis BBA exam.

 Me: WHAT?? (pls tell me he didnt jus say that)

He: Ya and they want a girl. n they will provide evrything...the I-card and all the other documents...it will even have ur snap...jus the name will be different.

Me: (Speechless) Is this dame ur friend?

He: Na a frenz friend. 

 Me: Ok...(its not u its some other idiotic creature encouraging this...as if that makes a difference)...why cant she freaking give it herself...how hard cud an aptitude test be yaar...

He: Who cares i jus called u cuz its 20,000 bucks.

Me:(is that the impression i give to my frenz...that i wud stoop that low for money...this is my closest friend) dude someday u n i'll be giving an exam for which we'd have studied day n night desperately to get thru n some freaking idiot will get thru instead of us cuz he/she got a substitute to do it for him...freaking loud resounding NO...

He: ok fine...i jus asked...neways how r u? n hows ur lungi...(yep thats wt most of my frenz call my ex-bf... he still doesnt know we broke up).

Me: (god....i still havent told him)...he's ok...lets meet this saturday...(i'll tell him this time n get it done with...i dont want to be asked how he is nemore...he's a lot of things i dont want to mention...lets jus talk bout the break up once n not bring it up...im trying to have funm move on...etc etc...)

and the conversation went on...nothing interesting... 

neways...this blog is still bout the substitute thing...i was outraged...how can the youth be like this...the kind of expectations my mentor has n this is wt the youth does...etc etc...the idealist in me wanted to do so much and lash out at so many ppl...the escapist in me was working overtime...wt if....jus wt if we cud get a substitute to do or face stuff on our behalf... wt if i cud get a substitute...wt would i want her to do....lest see...

• Could you clean my room...no could you deal with my mum's nagging...no jus clean the room..that'll do
• Could you talk to my ex-bf...n tell him u care...i cant...i keep shuttling between feeling bad for me and him...
• could you deal with my memories...they are too many...some of them embarassing and some painful.
• also could u give my scooty for servicing..
• could you go back to 9th std and deal with the awful guys of my school
• could u be and act 21 for me...im stuck at 14 even though im 21...id like to remain there
• Could u go to office...wen i need to be with my frenz and vice versa...
• could not make any more freaking mistakes on my behalf...i make enuf mistakes for my whole city...or so it seems..
• could u apologise to all those ppl ive hurt and could u feel guilty for me too...i dont want to any more...
• could u feel on my behalf...i need a break...
• could u think on my behalf ive been doin too much of it lately...
• could u cry on my behalf...i havent done that for a long time...somehow i dont nemore...
• could u sleep for me...i want to stay awake and read....and read... and read..

Fortunately for my substitute...i fine with being me...with the ex-bf issues and a disorganised room and being stuck at 14...im good...i think i'll miss out on all the good stuff in between if i dont be all those things... but i dont mind if someone loses weight for me...jus that...i'll take care of the rest...

Everyday is a choice. When u turn off that alarm you have a choice to get up or let it play for a 2nd and then a 3rd time before you finally get up. To get up and have an early start or to drive through the traffic like crazy to reach office (i usually choose the latter). we have that choice and whether you like it or not you have to make that choice(awww shucks). We have a choice to have a nice day no matter what or mope around because the alarm went off late, bcuz breakfast was not ready on time, bcuz the traffic signals are jus so many, bcuz the guy u have a crush on never asks you out.

Your day depends on the choices you make every minute, your week depends on your daily choices and so and so forth. But it starts with that alarm, the one that you need to put off the first time it rings and have an early start.

(honestly i prefer 5 mins more sleep...jus 5 mins...thats all..it wont hurt...wts 5 mins compared to 24hrs for gods sake...zzzzzzzzz......) 

 

 

I don't want to make
an excuse to cry
Today I'm weak,
tomorrow I'll try