Still Thinking

Emptinesssss

2007-09-10T18:14:11+02:00

This year has been a pretty eventful yr so far. Well there have been unexpectedly good and bad events. And no I don’t know whether there has been more good stuff than bad. It’s jus that right now…life is pretty calm and quiet and weird. Like all the stressful things have had enough of me and found someone to bother. And that’s fine, except now I have a lot of meaningless and useless crap going in and out of my head. And I was jus so used to fighting and over coming obstacles that it feels weird that I no longer have to fight. Or I'm not looking hard enough, which is true. I'm not chanting as much as I should or as much as I used to.
Not like I don’t have anything to do. Maybe I should make a list of all the things that I still need to improve and keep all these things as my target for chanting. Well here it goes then. I am:
1. Lazy
2. Overweight (I don’t like using the word fat)
3. Obsessive
4. Aimless
5. Over Sensitive (this one really hurts)
6. Indecisive
7. ~~Talkative~~…Jump the gun

I think that’s it for now. Unlike most of the time, somehow this list does not make me like shit about myself. Now why is that? Why am I abnormally normal?
Anu aunty asked me if I can feel any undercurrents but I'm jus not sure, I don’t think there are any undercurrents. This has got to mean sumthing…oh look I'm obsessing again.

Restart

2007-08-31T05:27:09+02:00

Everything is not right. I want to restart this day. I was all figured out last night n now im all messed up again. Restart i say, restart. I thought i was geting all the answers. You have no right to throw questions atme all over again. Restart. Having all the answers is the bigest illusion ever.

Where do we begin

where do we end

coming full circle is not the end

a full circle never really ends...

RESTART, i say...

I'm not ready

2007-08-26T13:44:09+02:00

Ashish is here. Finally...i've never missed him so much. It was the most wonderful and much needed surprise. I had thought I would be all strong when he comes. That he wont be able to witness the pain. And yet, the first thing I did when I saw him was hugged him and cried…and cried. I’ve not done that in a while. He’s gone to delhi and will be back next weekend. His coming here made me realize that I'm not ready, not ready for a lot of things. That I still have stuff to figure out and chant for. I’m almost scared of seeing him again, I feel like I’ll start crying again.

I’m just not ready to open up or let go. I feel a sense of loss. Not the loss of a person but loss of words. I used to write and weave words and rhyme but now I just cant. Everything seems so disconnected and sporadic that I cant put it together. That I cant weave those words. Its so important that I feel. I need to feel to be able to write…and I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know if I feel.

I don’t know if I am ready for the kind of responsibility that my boss wants to give me. My refusal to face this reflects at work, I wish to figure this out soon…real soon.

And most importantly I'm not ready for Harry. May be he has got the msg and stopped doing the things he used to do. I hope he realizes that we can only be friends and nothing else.

I once wrote to Ashish that its been ages since I had a decent hug. But I don’t know if I'm ready for it. I don’t know if I am ready to let go of my fears and let anyone give me a genuine, unpretentious hug. I had a dream a few weeks ago. I was lying on my bed and there was someone else sleeping on the other bed in my room. I got up in the middle of the night, moved to that bed, hugged him and went off to sleep hugging him. It was so sweet, it almost felt real, and yet I know that I cant allow myself to do that in reality. Poor Harry has a crush on the wrong person.

I’m not ready….

I've noticed

2007-06-24T19:36:03+02:00

I've noticed that I'm fine, that the past 5 months have not been the end of the world. Infact, its been the beginning of some real good things. This is sort of my progress report to my self. Not a pick me up or a pep talk to myself. I say 5 months because that’s when the whole breakup happened. Big event, cuz i had been in that relationship for 3 yrs, lots of memories and yes lots of baggage. But i have laughed so much in the past 5 months. I have laughed so much at a time when i had thought i would never stop crying. February was crazy and so was March, i nearly broke up with the rest of my family too...somehow the hurt and the pain and all that anger clouded my judgment and i cudnt trust my family to love me. I don’t know what makes us act this way but a heartbreak can make u do really weird things. But it had to stop, and that didn’t happen overnight. I went to Delhi in March; the trip to the Training Course rescued me. My practice rescued me. The people in my practice rescued me. I was so weird n detached in Delhi, poor Tullika who had to stay with me in the same room. I was so weird, and infact I have so lill memory of what i actually did in Delhi, cuz i was like floating for those two days. I had had a fight with everyone in my family before leaving and felt like they didn't need me at all...lots of self-loathing. But that was March...and that was that. I came back and once and for all let out all the pent up anger...i called him and told him how enraged i was at him...i had to tell him i was snapping at everyone else. I hope i didn’t cause too much damage though. I hope he's happy and healing and making progress. I can't believe I’m writing bout this without crying. I'm actually fine.

I've noticed that I’m fine. That I'm putting my defense mechanism to good use. I don’t cry at the drop of a hat and I’m ok with the fact that "I's a big girl now". Work has been amazing, awesome clients, incentive, I still love my boss, she's pure fun to work for and with. My relationship with my mum has gone from its worst phase to some real good times. We went to see this movie that i didn’t like at all but the best part about that movie was my mum, cuz she enjoyed it so much, cuz there was amitabh bachchan and she's crazy bout him...:)

I have issues though, lots of them, lots to do improve, fight. I have my low moments. But there just has been so much to appreciate, so much. I am shit scared of commitment, making the wrong choice as far as relationships are concerned and I’m so busy with my career that I’m not sure that i have any space for a relationship. And that’s just fine, in that sense life is very convenient for me right now. Work is good, my sis is 27 so all marriage related focus is on her. I don’t think ill have that kind of pressure till I’m 25 and that gives me 4 yrs. I'm also in that phase where i go "Ugh...MEN" a lot of times. But my best friends (90% of them guys), are keeping my faith alive in men, unless they break some girls heart and make me disown them.

And there's my Buddhist practice, the thing that has rescued me so far. Its what the Gosho calls "A Ship to Cross the Sea of Suffering". And i have nothing but gratitude. It has taught me so much bout taking responsibility and hence taking control of my destiny. And in that sense i need to thank the Sanjeev for being the reason that got me into the practice and for being the reason that propelled me back on this path of growth.

But i have so much to do, so many Mondays to enjoy and so many Fridays to be tired on...

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

....Robert Frost

Liars

2007-06-11T17:51:10+02:00

I hate lies. Not just the ones that hurt me but lies...and i hate those ppl even more who say that they hate lying n yet lie all the time. If anyone of the people who r closest to me lies to me...i'll disown him/her. I'll kick that person out of my life. And what a kick it will be, you just wait and watch. I refuse to understand the rationale behind lying...and that wont even count as rationale i think. I dont care if they admit that they wre afraid or it was too cowardly of them. I dont care. No lies...period. I cant do it. I cant forgive a liar...i dont care if its only human or martian or alien. No lies. There is no place for Gandhians who donno shit bout Gandhi, there's no place for pseudo intellectuals with "convenient" ideologies. There is no place for learned animals in my life. There's nothing human about lying. Its cruel, and mean and full of false hope. And thats not true humanism.

And i say this because i have lied and i know what it does to you and to the people closest to you. Because i know what it is to go on believing a lie. Because i know how it shatters you and the people around you. Because i know that being lied to distorts your judgement and then you dont know what is real and whats not. Because i know that to cover a lie you have to lie again and again and again until it is regarded as the truth by a lot of people. Because it is so full of pretense, so fake, so fake.

So truth is it. The truth, the one that hurts but sets you free. The truth thats not delayed. The one thats the only truth the one that cant be challenged the truth that thinks of the future far ahead, the one thats not shallow, or mean. The truth that is kind enough to care about your future thats kind enough to eventually set you free.

Reality bites, gobbles...devours

2007-05-31T18:24:12+02:00

There is a movie that i DO NOT want to watch. NO and i dont mind if they take all the hoardings and flush it down their u know what. The movie is METRO, 10..15 i donno a million people and the reality of their lives in a metro. We were talking bout it in office today.

V: I cant wait to watch METRO...next salary n thats the first one I'll go for.

Me: METRO pls no.

V: so what, what they have shown is reality.

Me: Quiet........

but my head was freaking screaming. What the f*** do u mean by reality? What in the name of god do supposedly realistic or practical people mean when they say such things? that i don't like watching stuff that depicts reality, that im some freaking coward in denial. Well, I'm sorry but i have been thru a painful breakup, work freaking 12hrs a day...there is not one day that i don't have to deal with at least one memory of past 3 yrs. So i have freaking reality of my own for freaking 24hrs. Why would i want to spend 3hrs extra watching someone else's reality. Its not like its friend who i need to be there for wen they have stuff...that i can do. But why would i want to sit in a theatre for 3 hrs and watch all the things going wrong in other ppls lives. I know it...freaking I, N, my team leader, my boss...we are living it.

I do not get supposedly practical ppl, who are not afraid to face reality(wtever)...especially when they stand in judgment of us lesser mortals who like to take a break from our share of shit. It's just a break not the rest of me. I like to dream the most outrageous, impossible dreams...silliest dreams. But thats me...NOT ALL ME...but me all the same. So shut up and take a break. Practical my ASS.

LOL

2007-05-29T18:24:12+02:00

I'm gonna write bout N today.Well not really bout him but how he made me realize something so important. N makes me laugh, without judging i hope, or even if he does, i don't. I know its difficult to find someone who does not judge you but i think its even more difficult to find someone you don't judge. N is a complete weirdo and an absolute whack job to be honest but he makes me laugh, just like that. I go to him with an excuse of work but i know i only go to laugh. He makes me realize that there are very very few people with a good sense of humor and that you can actually laugh at anything if you make up ur mind. There are no non-veg jokes or comments, no double meaning remarks, we are not there yet. and i hope we never get there, there's just so much sex around already, the hoardings, tv, news, movies...i really want sex to leave humor alone for a while. I am a very boring serious person who thinks a lot-thats how my sis describes me and that used to anger me to the limit probably becuz its true. N made me realize how important it for me to be with a guy who has a good(sorry great) sense of humor. Not ironic, dark or cynical or hysterical but the silly kind. I and N have invented superstitions of our own, we have these lucky and unlucky MSN display pictures and a lot of unrelated signs and its all so so silly and its alright to be silly once in a while. Crack the biggest PJs and laugh out loud for no reason. N is also becoming my partner in crime slowly and is a complete brat. But the thought of having a life partner whose sense of humor is like N's poses so many questions. Is it N or do all guys have a"good" sense of humor before they get into a relationship. Where after two ppl are serious every comment made reflects your character, depth, seriousness towards the relationship and well, ahem, commitment. Is a relationship the end of all the rolling on the floor, falling of the chair laughter? N also looks really funny, his rolling his eyes is enuf to make me crack up. Its important to laugh, to acknowledge the inherent sillyness in life, the typical patterns that the Marathi Writer P.L Deshpande talks bout. He doesn’t invent that he just states it as it is. Someone once told me that life is one cosmic joke, and if u just take a minute to consider that u’ll get the joke.