Still Thinking

Everything is not right. I want to restart this day. I was all figured out last night n now im all messed up again. Restart i say, restart. I thought i was geting all the answers. You have no right to throw questions atme all over again. Restart. Having all the answers is the bigest illusion ever.

Where do we begin

where do we end

coming full circle is not the end

a full circle never really ends...

RESTART, i say... 

Ashish is here. Finally...i've never missed him so much. It was the most wonderful and much needed surprise. I had thought I would be all strong when he comes. That he wont be able to witness the pain. And yet, the first thing I did when I saw him was hugged him and cried…and cried. I’ve not done that in a while. He’s gone to delhi and will be back next weekend. His coming here made me realize that I'm not ready, not ready for a lot of things. That I still have stuff to figure out and chant for. I’m almost scared of seeing him again, I feel like I’ll start crying again.

I’m just not ready to open up or let go. I feel a sense of loss. Not the loss of a person but loss of words. I used to write and weave words and rhyme but now I just cant. Everything seems so disconnected and sporadic that I cant put it together. That I cant weave those words. Its so important that I feel. I need to feel to be able to write…and I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know if I feel.

I don’t know if I am ready for the kind of responsibility that my boss wants to give me. My refusal to face this reflects at work, I wish to figure this out soon…real soon.

And most importantly I'm not ready for Harry. May be he has got the msg and stopped doing the things he used to do. I hope he realizes that we can only be friends and nothing else.

I once wrote to Ashish that its been ages since I had a decent hug. But I don’t know if I'm ready for it. I don’t know if I am ready to let go of my fears and let anyone give me a genuine, unpretentious hug. I had a dream a few weeks ago. I was lying on my bed and there was someone else sleeping on the other bed in my room. I got up in the middle of the night, moved to that bed, hugged him and went off to sleep hugging him. It was so sweet, it almost felt real, and yet I know that I cant allow myself to do that in reality. Poor Harry has a crush on the wrong person.