Still Thinking

I've noticed that I'm fine, that the past 5 months have not been the end of the world. Infact, its been the beginning of some real good things. This is sort of my progress report to my self. Not a pick me up or a pep talk to myself. I say 5 months because that’s when the whole breakup happened. Big event, cuz i had been in that relationship for 3 yrs, lots of memories and yes lots of baggage. But i have laughed so much in the past 5 months. I have laughed so much at a time when i had thought i would never stop crying. February was crazy and so was March, i nearly broke up with the rest of my family too...somehow the hurt and the pain and all that anger clouded my judgment and i cudnt trust my family to love me. I don’t know what makes us act this way but a heartbreak can make u do really weird things. But it had to stop, and that didn’t happen overnight. I went to Delhi in March; the trip to the Training Course rescued me. My practice rescued me. The people in my practice rescued me. I was so weird n detached in Delhi, poor Tullika who had to stay with me in the same room. I was so weird, and infact I have so lill memory of what i actually did in Delhi, cuz i was like floating for those two days. I had had a fight with everyone in my family before leaving and felt like they didn't need me at all...lots of self-loathing. But that was March...and that was that. I came back and once and for all let out all the pent up anger...i called him and told him how enraged i was at him...i had to tell him i was snapping at everyone else. I hope i didn’t cause too much damage though. I hope he's happy and healing and making progress. I can't believe I’m writing bout this without crying. I'm actually fine.

I've noticed that I’m fine. That I'm putting my defense mechanism to good use. I don’t cry at the drop of a hat and I’m ok with the fact that "I's a big girl now". Work has been amazing, awesome clients, incentive, I still love my boss, she's pure fun to work for and with. My relationship with my mum has gone from its worst phase to some real good times. We went to see this movie that i didn’t like at all but the best part about that movie was my mum, cuz she enjoyed it so much, cuz there was amitabh bachchan and she's crazy bout him...:)

I have issues though, lots of them, lots to do improve, fight. I have my low moments. But there just has been so much to appreciate, so much. I am shit scared of commitment, making the wrong choice as far as relationships are concerned and I’m so busy with my career that I’m not sure that i have any space for a relationship. And that’s just fine, in that sense life is very convenient for me right now. Work is good, my sis is 27 so all marriage related focus is on her. I don’t think ill have that kind of pressure till I’m 25 and that gives me 4 yrs. I'm also in that phase where i go "Ugh...MEN" a lot of times. But my best friends (90% of them guys), are keeping my faith alive in men, unless they break some girls heart and make me disown them.  

And there's my Buddhist practice, the thing that has rescued me so far. Its what the Gosho calls "A Ship to Cross the Sea of Suffering". And i have nothing but gratitude. It has taught me so much bout taking responsibility and hence taking control of my destiny. And in that sense i need to thank the Sanjeev for being the reason that got me into the practice and for being the reason that propelled me back on this path of growth. 

But i have so much to do, so many Mondays to enjoy and so many Fridays to be tired on...

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

....Robert Frost