Still Thinking

I got a call from one of my closest frenz today.

He: hey wanna earn 20,000 bucks in 2 days?

Me: duh...ofcourse...wt do i have to do?

He: nothing jus give an exam posing as someone else... its a harmless thing...an aptitude test...for Symbiosis BBA exam.

 Me: WHAT?? (pls tell me he didnt jus say that)

He: Ya and they want a girl. n they will provide evrything...the I-card and all the other documents...it will even have ur snap...jus the name will be different.

Me: (Speechless) Is this dame ur friend?

He: Na a frenz friend. 

 Me: Ok...(its not u its some other idiotic creature encouraging this...as if that makes a difference)...why cant she freaking give it herself...how hard cud an aptitude test be yaar...

He: Who cares i jus called u cuz its 20,000 bucks.

Me:(is that the impression i give to my frenz...that i wud stoop that low for money...this is my closest friend) dude someday u n i'll be giving an exam for which we'd have studied day n night desperately to get thru n some freaking idiot will get thru instead of us cuz he/she got a substitute to do it for him...freaking loud resounding NO...

He: ok fine...i jus asked...neways how r u? n hows ur lungi...(yep thats wt most of my frenz call my ex-bf... he still doesnt know we broke up).

Me: (god....i still havent told him)...he's ok...lets meet this saturday...(i'll tell him this time n get it done with...i dont want to be asked how he is nemore...he's a lot of things i dont want to mention...lets jus talk bout the break up once n not bring it up...im trying to have funm move on...etc etc...)

and the conversation went on...nothing interesting... 

neways...this blog is still bout the substitute thing...i was outraged...how can the youth be like this...the kind of expectations my mentor has n this is wt the youth does...etc etc...the idealist in me wanted to do so much and lash out at so many ppl...the escapist in me was working overtime...wt if....jus wt if we cud get a substitute to do or face stuff on our behalf... wt if i cud get a substitute...wt would i want her to do....lest see...

• Could you clean my room...no could you deal with my mum's nagging...no jus clean the room..that'll do
• Could you talk to my ex-bf...n tell him u care...i cant...i keep shuttling between feeling bad for me and him...
• could you deal with my memories...they are too many...some of them embarassing and some painful.
• also could u give my scooty for servicing..
• could you go back to 9th std and deal with the awful guys of my school
• could u be and act 21 for me...im stuck at 14 even though im 21...id like to remain there
• Could u go to office...wen i need to be with my frenz and vice versa...
• could not make any more freaking mistakes on my behalf...i make enuf mistakes for my whole city...or so it seems..
• could u apologise to all those ppl ive hurt and could u feel guilty for me too...i dont want to any more...
• could u feel on my behalf...i need a break...
• could u think on my behalf ive been doin too much of it lately...
• could u cry on my behalf...i havent done that for a long time...somehow i dont nemore...
• could u sleep for me...i want to stay awake and read....and read... and read..

Fortunately for my substitute...i fine with being me...with the ex-bf issues and a disorganised room and being stuck at 14...im good...i think i'll miss out on all the good stuff in between if i dont be all those things... but i dont mind if someone loses weight for me...jus that...i'll take care of the rest...

Here's the stuff that went in and out of my head from 8pm to 9pm on 3rd may. 

8pm:  im on my way home from office, on my bike...2 stroke...servicing overdue...somehow draggin itself and me along. Have my mp3 player on. The song is Joe Purdy-Cant get it right. Usually every song reminds me of sumthing...or atleast i relate to it in some way...but this one doesnt stir nething in me (thank god! i can do without the thinking).

8.05: far away blues-again by joe purdy... i switch to the next while balancing my bike on my 5 feet 1 inch body. Im trying hard really hard not to think. Not to think of my ex-bf. Ya well..we broke up after goin around for 3 yrs...long story and thats another bolg. im gonna jump to another thought in 5 4 3 2 1.

8.07: why was i late from work today...8 pm is nearly 12 hrs...is it cuz there was a lot of work or the lunch break went on for two long? cuz wtever the reason i must do sumthing bout it...i pass a railway track...awww its a goods train...neways atleast its goin sumwhere...id love to travel...far far away...ok no...jus travel...im not turning into an escapist...

8:10: joe purdy-waiting on sumthing good...thats the song...i dono wt the lyrics are neways...i like it...lately ive been listening to songs that don’t remind me of my ex-bf and yet I like… and I thought of mentioning this cuz I had startede listeing to really crappy songs so that I don’t have to listen to all those songs on my playlist that reminded me of us or sumthing we did or wtever…I honestly don’t remember wt good that was supposed to do…but in my endeavor to avoid all those songs I discovered some pretty good music…pls don’t tell me it’s a break up thing…

8.15: why are the roads so deserted today…is it a holiday or the traffic jus decided to give me break for a change…neways…it feels a liil creepy…I miss traffic…

8:17: ahhh…there it is traffic…the one that gives out enuf smoke to choke a whole city…the one that’s full of idiots who don’t know how to drive…the one that I try to avoid in the morning when I'm late for work…there it is…I feel better already…secure even…wt twisted world I live in…

8:20: maroon 5-harder to breathe…I'm even singin this one…the uncle who jus passed me by gave a me a weird look…”when it gets cold outside and I got nobody to love”…that’s the part I'm singin…

hey wait uncle…I'm not that sad and pathetic….its jus a song…really…am I that sad and pathetic…no pls no…that would be my ex-bf…god I hope not…its jus a song… forget it…

8:30 hella good-no doubt….ya this one I like…definitely does not remind me of my ex-bf…that it does not remind me of my ex-bf reminds me that I'm trying too hard to forget…wt exactly do I not want to remember…wait stop right there…lets not open that door…it doesn’t matter neways…there’s no future there…jus sing the song…or switch or sumthing…

8:40 On a day like today: bryan adams...its night....switch...road trippin'-red hot chilli peppers....aah....lets go get lost....i feel like having a burger...nows the time the angel and devil inside me r gonna sit on my shoulders and try to convince me...

angel: no dont...u r gaining too much weight neways.

devil: its jus a harmless burger...

angel: forget the taste...think of the guilt...

devil: guilt shmilt...i say eat...think of the cheese and the mayonnaise...

angel: im sure mum's prepared sumthing really good n u dont need junk food....

stop... there's burger express....1 veg burger with extra mayonnaise...yep devil wins...not every time though...

8:50 aah...guilt...why cant it take a vacation or let me get one..."returm to innocence"-enigma....when will i stop liking this song...its in all my playlists...

9:00 aah....there's me burger...all hot n dripping with mayonnaise...ahhh...my burger...now i can stop thinking....

 

 

We believe what we want to believe. We think that the other person is very convincing, but we believe because we want to believe. Bcuz it sets us free from some of our worries. Believing in promises gives us some kind of insurance regarding that aspect of our life. but we are disappointed. Not all promises are kept. But atleast in search of the best life partner, good job etc etc., we realise that we are capable of 100% belief. 

My buddhist practice promises to us lifetime after lifetime of support, happiness, courage, and above all protection and it takes us longest to believe in that.  But atleast from past bitter but valuable experiences we atleast know that we are capable of 100% belief(didnt i say that already...neways).

We only have to choose then. What do we believe in and want? Good things measuring in years or good things measuring in eternity.

(Honestly both...and i even know i can have it...:) ) 

Everyday is a choice. When u turn off that alarm you have a choice to get up or let it play for a 2nd and then a 3rd time before you finally get up. To get up and have an early start or to drive through the traffic like crazy to reach office (i usually choose the latter). we have that choice and whether you like it or not you have to make that choice(awww shucks). We have a choice to have a nice day no matter what or mope around because the alarm went off late, bcuz breakfast was not ready on time, bcuz the traffic signals are jus so many, bcuz the guy u have a crush on never asks you out.

Your day depends on the choices you make every minute, your week depends on your daily choices and so and so forth. But it starts with that alarm, the one that you need to put off the first time it rings and have an early start.

(honestly i prefer 5 mins more sleep...jus 5 mins...thats all..it wont hurt...wts 5 mins compared to 24hrs for gods sake...zzzzzzzzz......)